


The Things I Want to Say to You Get Lost Before They Come

by joyce



Category: Toby Daye - Seanan McGuire
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-17
Updated: 2012-12-17
Packaged: 2017-11-21 10:01:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/596424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joyce/pseuds/joyce
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A short peek into Tybalt's head.  This is for every time I've wanted to shriek at Toby "Are you really this dense?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Things I Want to Say to You Get Lost Before They Come

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Alashandra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alashandra/gifts).



The first time Tybalt almost told Toby how he felt about her was also the first time he had to carry her as she bled; he found himself chanting in a monotone “Toby, don’t be dead, don’t be dead” as he pulled her out of the water in the Tea Gardens and carried her to Lily’s doors. However, part of his brain, (the part that was still thinking, and not just blindly acting) was afraid that she might hear through the fog, and now was not the time for such proclamations.  


Later was not the time either – there was a body to deal with (thank Oberon, not Toby’s), and Julie to take care of (and she was going to be hysterical when she snapped to), and Tybalt couldn’t deal with those issues and Toby at the same time. So he sent her off to take care of herself – and, he mused, likely not for the last time – and didn’t tell her that he loved her, even though he felt that “I’ll take care of this” and “Make sure you’re not going to make me a liar by dying” might be screaming it to the skies. But Toby didn’t seem to notice.  


\--  


The next time Tybalt almost professed his love was the first night that he escorted Toby home (carried her home, if one was to put the truth on it). If he were to guess, it was the also first night that she’d had actual fun in perhaps years. That night he followed her to the train station after she’d been out clubbing with Stacy and Kerry, and watched Toby manage to get them onto a train (he still wasn’t sure how someone hadn’t ended up in Oakland) before trying to walk herself home. He supposed that someone human might find his following them to the club, and then to the train station, and then trailing Toby home a little creepy, but given the trouble that tended to dodge her tracks and the fact that she was letting her guard down that evening… well, follow, he did. He was a cat – what did he care if he seemed “creepy”?  


From the moment Tybalt watched Toby try to argue her case with the pixies, until she told him that he was wearing “really nice tight pants”, he almost told her. But he was a cat, which meant that he also had honor, and telling a drunk Toby that he loved her would be unfair. And so he didn’t. Instead, he tucked her up safely into bed, and hoped that action told her enough for now.  


\--  


The next time, he had helped to hand Toby another impossible situation. She seemed to find herself involved in those, and managing to solve them, on an inordinately regular basis (even for a Knight). He wanted to tell her that he loved her, and to take her along the Shadow Roads deep into the Court of Cats and never let her out again. He was surprised by the strength of the urge, at the same time that he knew the Toby he loved would never allow such a thing.  


Tybalt watched her wear his jacket and look for her keys and then tell him, almost casually (though he knew it was anything but casual) that her Fetch had shown up. With that, he knew he couldn’t profess his feelings that night (he could hear the very short conversation in his head: “The harbinger of my death appears and now you tell me you love me, Tybalt? What game are you playing?”) Instead, he stepped up to kiss her on the forehead, feeling as if his feelings were plainly visible on his face, though Toby merely looked puzzled and nothing else.  


\--  


The next time was when he saw her with Lily, when he’d been kicked out of the Queen’s court – _The King of Cats, running interference for Toby Daye, who would have thought?_ – he’d chuckled to himself. He’d been glad to do it, and it had been amusing (though he was still smarting a tiny bit from everything May had had to say, play-acting or not). He had managed to kiss Toby that night, under the guise of politics and protection (“When are you two going to get on with things?” May had whispered in his ear, during their staged fight; he’d snarled in response) and he ached to do it again. _It’s your own fault_ , he told himself. _You avoid her when there’s peace, and when there’s not peace, it’s never the right time._  


After he’d gotten kicked out of court, he went to find Toby. He watched Toby as she knelt beside Lily’s pool, trying to wake her, and reflected that the problem with knowing someone for their entire long life (even when yours had been much longer) was adjusting to seeing them as they were now, not as they’d been then. He was still getting used to Sir October Daye, knight of the realm, even though it had been years; when all you had were years, change moved differently and was harder to get used to. _Or maybe it’s not that hard, and we just don’t want to change, so we tell ourselves that we can’t._  


He wanted to tell Toby he loved her, but she was distracted with Lily and distracted with whatever the Queen was plotting, and not ready yet to hear what he had to say – he knew that from how she asked “Why did you kiss me?” So he shoved her away again (life was easier when they were arguing), but not before telling her he loved her the only way he could manage at this point – by offering his help, and telling her that he knew she’d fix things, because she always did.  


\--  


The next time Tybalt wanted to tell Toby he loved her was the first time he saw Connor and Toby together after the two of them had started sleeping together. Tybalt was lurking in the shadows, watching Toby and Connor as they were out at a diner near Toby’s apartment getting some breakfast (dinner, something – meals were flexible when you were nocturnal). He could have gone in and said hi – after all, Toby had long since stopped asking how Tybalt managed to appear at all the times and places he did. But Tybalt was embarrassed – the last time he’d seen her, he’d said “Come back to me” (and if that wasn’t a proclamation of love, then what was?) Well, she’d lived (of course) and he’d been avoiding her (of course), even though she’d come looking for him. He hadn’t yet figured out how to change the roles they seemed to have etched for themselves, and until he could figure that out, he hid.  


He had almost talked himself into going inside, sitting down at the bar, ordering a cup of coffee (vile stuff, but Toby loved it), and pretending surprise at seeing the two of them out together. But then, through the diner window, Toby smiled and put her hand over Connor’s, and Connor smiled back, and suddenly, Tybalt didn’t want to be there anymore. _I can’t challenge him to a fight. He’s not a cat and Toby would never speak to me again, and I can’t just throw myself at her, she’s happy, I should leave it_ – and he turned and left.  


\--  


Eventually, he couldn’t avoid her any longer. Times turned dangerous again, and if he were honest with himself, he’d admit that he'd gone as long as he could stand without talking to her. She was understandably angry at what it took to get him to reappear in her life ( _maybe, maybe, she cares for me a little?_ ) and so he just started fighting with her again, before he caught himself and took a deep breath.  


But even with her anger, Tybalt would have thought that the apology would tell Toby that he loved her. He would have thought that fixing her a cup of coffee would tell her that he loved her. He would have thought that telling her she was beautiful would tell her he loved her. And failing all of that – surely promising his people to defend hers would do it. Was he really going to have to come out and say it? Apparently, the answer to that question was yes – and with Raj on hand, embarrassed by the whole evening, the moment to do so once again passed.  


He thought, maybe, a little while later that night – they had left Shadowed Hills, and despite the grim situation, Toby was smiling at him. It felt like they were working together, and that felt right and good. But Quentin was parked on the hood of her car (how do other people always appear at the worst times?) and once again…  


\--  


Finally, when he did tell her… it turned out that a bad moment was as good as any other, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> I admit it; this falls into the "moody retelling of a bit of canon" trope. But after reading _Ashes_ , and having both Toby and Tybalt say that he'd been doing impossible things for a long time, for her - I got to thinking about it and looking back through the books, and it became apparent that this had been coming from the beginning - that Toby did give Tybalt a hope chest and take his heart in return. He was far more patient than I could have been. :)


End file.
